18th of March

its been a long time... but i am dealing crisis right now...

oh well, i remember one Day, dad said

'Shan, i tell you what... your Yuen kor kor le, he went for Management dy, but now i'm okay with him doing his account in ACCA... then your jie jie le, doing music le, grab mostly my income dy... then your hao kor kor, he can study but a little bit weak lo. which leaves to you, you can get good result so papa wants to enroll you into account...'

then i was like 'so you are giving me pressure?'

pressure? i didn't know what's the meaning of pressure... maybe i will know about it for like in a year? or when i started to work in an account firm...

Cik Tai said, working in account firm, will make you go skinny because you barely even have time to eat or sleep... well, sleeping is my culture and snoozing my alarm is my hobby... i love to snooze... being an accountant is a tough choice... now i get it, those who dreamed to be an accountant must have been maniacs...

so my brother called me today... asked him whether i can pursue my dream by leaving all this behind.... like convincing my father to let go of me and if it's alright that i go for singing lessons? maybe designing?

he said 'you know designing is one expensive subject?'

oh like my sister is going on a budget by studying her freakishly expensive subject called unlimited music...

from this moment on, i am not ready to be anything... Nor a human being, nor someone else's role model... family thinks that i am the backbone of the family so that i can be a stable accountant to earn money for this household... and oh well, i barely can speak human language to my friends... it all seemed so, empty...

well, maybe i had this feeling since Louise been to National Service and maybe i am a useless friend that couldn't be there for them...

look at them, having fun, going all the way down to Malls, Cinema scopes, and even to KL!!! i was like 'dad, can i go to somewhere else with my friends?'

NO!!! that was quicker than a lightning filling up Grand Canyon...

no, i am here to tell you that i have to intentions... no, i have the intentions but i don't have the freedom to be a good friend... if someone gives me a poll to rate myself as a good friend to the others or not? i might not hit the BEST button.... maybe, not a fat chance, i'd hit the worst and far most the WORST button... because i am not a good friend to you...

Viviane, i know you are reading this and i really do hope you and Goh can really really understand that i am a strings attatched puppet to my father... i can't be set free... even that i am studying away from my parents and he manage to get a surveillance camera to watch me...

because i am the only one that has to listen to him to do him his favour... doing people's favour is my command... i have to do this... do you expect me to expect my brother's and my sister to earn a living for my parents? because their courses might not have the chance to earn something something... i have to do this... if i say 'NO' to him, i might have a dead wish...

i really do hope you could understand...

and i really can understand that you guys have to leave me mentally just to be happy... because i can't be there for you guys and definitely i know that you need Goh more than you need me and i really definitely know that Goh needs you to accompany her more than she wants me to accompany her because you have the freedom to accompany her...

when i am ready to start the Life on MY OWN, then i am ready to tell you... i really do...

I hereby announce officially that I do not want to be Wei Shan anymore...

Wei Shan is one pathetic one of a kind of a slut and a bitch identified by the bitchiest bitch because she is a whore that never wakes up and she's a pure evil jealous person and she can even be jealous just because her friends are much closer to each other than she is in it...

from now on... I am the happiest girl... and Chloe will kill this evil bitch, Wei Shan and to be known as Chloe from this Day onwards... 18th of March... Chloe...

i am Chloe...

i am telling myself that i am Chloe...

and Chloe is closing her non long lasting chapter of Wei Shan behind her and keeping it as a secret...

Chloe hates Wei Shan as much as her friends do to her...

I am Chloe... and i am closing ...

I am Chloe and i am hiding my-last-self into a closet and can never be unlocked...